My friend’s husband had an affair. Things got extremely messy — her daughter calls the other woman ‘the witch.’ The other woman just texted me and asked me to help her! Should I? Ask Lisi
And Lisi advises a letter writer concerned about a social faux pas to apologize and then move on.
Q My friend is recently divorced from her husband who was having an affair. The other couple are also divorcing and the two parties involved in the affair are moving in together. Both have several teenage children.
There are definitely issues and hurts on both sides. I was never close with my friend’s husband, so we haven’t seen each other or spoken since my friend kicked him out upon discovering the affair. I don’t know the other family at all.
My friend has told me about the ongoing problems between her ex and their children, especially their youngest son. And when I was over at my friend’s recently, her middle daughter regaled me with stories about the “witch” and her children. But I’m not involved in any way.
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The other day I received a text message from the “other woman” saying she got my number from her boyfriend’s phone, and could I please talk to her about what’s going on between this man and my friend with regards to his relationship with his oldest son. She expected I could and would help her understand the issues.
I replied that it wasn’t my place to speak with her, that whatever is going on between this man and his son is none of my business. She didn’t reply. Did I do the right thing? Do I tell my friend?
Middle madness
A Yes, I strongly believe you did the right thing. No part of their family dynamics, including the affair and the aftermath of, the divorce, and especially whatever issues have arisen between father and child, are any of your business. You are right to have not engaged.
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As for your friend, I don’t think you need to tell her. She’s going through her own stuff right now. I am certain she knows at least some of what’s happening between her ex and their eldest child, but if not, then the child doesn’t want her to know. You can’t help the situation, so stay out of it. And I don’t think telling your friend will help the situation either.
Next time you two are together, you could ask her how the kids are doing, how each is getting along with their dad etc. But keep that blip to yourself.
Q I bumped into an old family friend the other day. Thankfully she said hi to me, because I didn’t recognize her. There were several things that were different about her — her hair, which used to be crazy curly, was pin straight. She also used to have strawberry-blonde hair and it was now silver-grey. She was wearing glasses which I’ve never seen on her face before. And she was about 50 pounds heavier than I have ever seen her.
It took me a minute to know who was saying hi to me. The grey hair really threw me off because this girl is only late 20s but combine that with the weight gain and I thought she was a much older person.
She was running out of a store as I was running in so we didn’t spend much time chatting. But now I feel badly that I didn’t recognize her and I’m worried my reaction was hurtful to her, though I said nothing other than comment on how I’ve never seen her hair straight.
Do I follow up?
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Reaction regret
A Definitely sounds like an awkward moment. You can follow up by email or text, just saying how nice it was to bump into her. You can apologize for not recognizing her because of her grey straight hair and glasses. And then you can start a genuine conversation.
Just forget about it after that. Hopefully, she didn’t notice and was just as happy to see you too. Plan to meet and enjoy each other’s company.
FEEDBACK Regarding the three best friends (husbands) planning a trip together (March 13):
Reader: “The wife who wrote is worried because one of the wives, whose husband is extremely wealthy, loves to spend his money ordering the most expensive food and cocktails and then insists on splitting the bill. The wife who wrote should insist beforehand on separate bills and her husband should back her up.
“Regarding the husband who gets drunk and becomes boisterous, the other two husbands should speak to him beforehand about his behaviour. I have a good friend who went on a cruise with her husband and another couple who were long-time friends …. now they don’t speak.”
Lisi: I agree they should discuss beforehand, but I’m also worried this could negatively affect the guys’ friendship. They should probably have a group call to talk things through beforehand.
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Lisi Tesher is a relationship advice columnist for The Star, joining her mother Ellie.
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